Take the Step
by Cass Purser
Summary: Another sleepless night for Gail.
1. Chapter 1

She was standing at the edge of a cliff, holding her breath, debating whether or not to take the fall.

She was scared. No, she was terrified. Gail never felt terror quite like this before. Being shot at, being in high intensity situations, that was different. The adrenaline was only temporary, her adrenal glands pumping the catecholamines throughout her body that forced her to decide against fight or flight. That was the intrinsic response that kept her safe until the threat was neutralized, the loser taken down and peace restored.

This was more of a slow terror, a chill that crept into her bones that kept her awake at night. For the past week she had lain there, tossing and turning, the shivering from the chill kept at bay only by the warmth that blossomed in her chest when Gail thought of her.

Ah, hello cliff.

For years, Gail only existed to fit the profile set out by her parents. Join the academy: check. Be the best in her class: check. Graduate from rookie to full officer: check. Be the Peck that Toronto needed her to be. But more importantly: be the Peck that the Pecks required her to be.

Somewhere along the way, she went from going through the motions to actually making the effort to be the best officer she could be. She actually began to enjoy it, which was scary enough in itself. She could never decide if the enjoyment was from the satisfaction of a job well done, or whether the Peck brainwashing had officially taken hold.

In the end, the results were the same. And tequila helped her to forget about the possibility that her parents actually won, and that she was no longer her own person but a stiff Peck clone.

None of her peers quite understood exactly the extent that her parents attempted to influence her life. They only saw her as an Ice Queen, a narcissist, and that's exactly what she wanted them to think. It was so much easier to put the walls up, to keep people from getting too close. The walls kept everyone seeing the soggy mess of self doubt and self hatred that she really was, and which could easily be used to hurt her. She trusted people… once. But not since she was a child and the Peck obligations began to weigh her down. Not even Nick or Chris caught a glimpse of who she really was. Neither of them cared enough to imagine that there could be more to her than the Peck shell.

Growing up Peck, any deviation from the Peck protocol resulted in disapproving stares and mandatory remediation. The outside world saw the Elaine and Bill that smiled for the camera, perfectly happy Pecks with perfectly happy Peck children with perfectly happy Peck careers. But no one but Steve and Gail knew about the hours of extra shooting, and running, and tutorage mandated in order to maintain perfection. And no one was there to hear the rants about their failures, or the rants about Toronto's less than perfect citizens: the drug addicts, the lower classes, and the gays.

Gail groaned, rolling onto her back and pulling the pillow over her face.

She knew the fight that would ensue if she allowed herself to be honest and admit her possible attraction to another woman. The outside version of her parents would be accepting, praising the diversity that she brought to the force. But the family dinners would be filled with silence, disapproving stares, and questions of where exactly they went wrong and why Gail insisted on always deviating from the expectations laid out for her.

They wouldn't understand how easy it was to spend time with Holly. They wouldn't understand that she could let her walls down with her – to be herself and to be loved more for it. They wouldn't understand that she felt more of a connection with Holly that she ever did with Chris and Nick combined, even now just being friends with her. They wouldn't understand the warmth that blazed in her chest when she thought of that crooked grin, the feel of her silky long hair, and her warm laugh. They wouldn't understand the other kinds of warmth that blazed elsewhere when she thought of the way Holly's glasses bumped against her nose, the way her lips felt soft and warm, or the feel of her tongue against her own.

Gail threw her pillow across the dark room with a huff, pressing her fist against her forehead as she suppressed a scream.

She was terrified. She was so scared to admit these feelings, this warmth, to herself. She was more scared to have her parents know, and to face the repercussions that would ensue. Gail knew that she had a decision to make. She could walk away, back into safety and never look back. Or she could hold her breath, take that step, and allow herself to fall. Fall into love. Fall into Holly. And damn well enjoy the flight on the way.

Gail stood there, holding her breath, waiting for the courage to take that step. She waited. And waited. And when sleep eventually took her in the early hours, she dreamed of a cliff with a warm embrace waiting for her at the bottom.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I had the inspiration for a second chapter, so here it is. This will be dark, rating changed for mentions of suicide.**

* * *

Gail took another shot, chasing the tequila with a sip from the glass of lime-aid on the table beside her. She coughed slightly at the burn, her eyes watering. The tears blurred her vision as she refilled the shot glass.

 _"I don't believe it. There were no signs of it at all when you were young… this is just another product of your depression. This is because you are still not over what happened with that taxi driver… you are a Peck. You are not allowed to be depressed. You are not allowed to be gay."_

Gail's hand jerked as her father's voice echoed through her head, the tequila spilling on the table. She didn't care, taking the shot and not bothering with the chaser. She didn't need it anymore. She refilled the glass again, trying to diminish the burn from the silent glare her mother gave her during the entire dinner. The glare hurt more than the yelling her father did.

Gail laughed hollowly when she remembered Oliver's little acceptance speech in the car, the talk about changes. The funny thing was that nothing had actually changed – she was always the disappointment to her parents. Never quite living up to the Peck quota they set out before her.

She didn't know why this was bothering her as much as it was. She didn't even know why she cared so much about their opinion of her… why she just wanted their approval. The frustratingly stupid thing was the slow realization that she had been utterly unprepared for her parent's reaction. She had been prepared for anger, maybe even a tear or two. But complete denial was something Gail had never even considered as a possibility. Her parents were police, high ranking officers that should be able to view the whole picture and put the pieces together. How could they not see the truth that was so utterly obvious to her?

There was a buzz in her head, a tiny voice in her skull that reminded her incessantly of all her failings. The voice had been put there by the Pecks, and it constantly gnawed away any semblance of identity and self-confidence she built for herself. The only volume control she had found for it was copious amounts of alcohol… which Gail could admit was a new low even for her.

Gail needed a break. She needed a pause, an escape. Everything that she had ever worked for was reduced to ash. The non-stop Peck expectations forced her to become a cop. But her success went unnoticed by her family, and was sneered at by her colleagues as a result of her last name. She was both not enough and too much somehow at the same time. But she learned to lean on her career when things went to shit with Chris. Then Perik happened. She had barely recovered when she took the fall for the stadium incident, and completely ironically the only thing that saved her career was being the cop who got herself kidnapped and a detective killed. And so her career turned to mud too. And then Nick came in and swept away every last bit that she had left… again because of Perik.

She needed a stop button for the shitshow that was her life.

The glass paused on the way up to her mouth, the tequila slopping slightly over the edge and onto the table. Suicide… was a new consideration for her. For a brief moment, Gail considered the appeal. It was a stop. A stop to the blows, a stop to the noise in her head. A stop to the pain in her chest. It was a stop and a damn hard stop with no possible way of changing your mind. A permanent stop… to everything. But when you hate your life, and dread the days to come, and lay awake wondering how you are going to put the pieces of your life back together and weather the storm that loomed ahead… a stop to everything suddenly seemed like the break in the clouds you had been praying for.

Anger suddenly welled up inside her and Gail threw the shot glass across the kitchen with a yell. The glass shattered against the cupboards. Her hands clawed into her hair and she cradled her head as the tears flowed.

If she killed herself, who would care? Her parents… no. Steve might. Oliver probably hated her for killing Jerry. Tracy was the same. Andy would be too engrossed in Nick to notice. Nick hated her.

Would Holly? Gail told herself that they barely knew eachother, but it felt like a lie. The first lie she had told herself that night. For some reason she knew that Holly would care. Holly did care. Holly and her stupid nerd glasses and nerd powers that could see past the hastily constructed walls she had built and into the Gail that no one else saw. Gail didn't know why or how she knew that Holly sees her. She just knew by the way Holly looked at her with those warm brown eyes, or by that goofy side smile, or the tender way that Holly kissed her.

Gail was still scared. She knew that this was the bottom, and one final blow would be the coup de grace to everything that was Gail Peck. But this could also be her lifeline, and right now Gail was a woman drowning that needed a rope to save her. She needed to trust that the rope was strong enough to pull her to safety. She needed to trust that Holly was the one good thing in her life to which she was more than due.

Her phone trembled slightly in her hands as she dialed a number, the blurred display shining brightly through the tears. She held her breath as it rang, hoping against hope that her call would be answered. It wouldn't be answered. Her calls were never answered when she needed them to be.

 _"Hey Gail!"_ a voice answered, tinny through the small speaker. Gail closed her eyes as she exhaled, feeling her heart rate begin to settle. Of course Holly answered. She could trust Holly. She needed to trust her.

"Hey." Gail whispered. "Can you come over? I need you."


End file.
